my superpower is to be supafly

Okay, I was at the post office, and I saw the ever-present basket of crap they are always trying to get rid of... prints that are like giant stamps with flowers or unknown historical figures on them. Today, it was superheroes. The superhero on the top? Plastic Man. Have you ever seen him? I'm saying, I would want an outfit a little less disco if I were going to be a superpower with amazing abilities. He looks like all he's missing is a Joey Tribbiani gold engraved bracelet, a bushy mustache, and a cocktail:

oh, and one more hilarious thing

I've got these ads on my page from Google, and they apparently adjust according to what I write about or where I am. Like there is always an ad about Denver Broadcasting school or something.

Since I posted the other day about Liam's pneumonia, every other ad today is about mucus. Mucinex, some other thing about flushing your sinuses. Yay. Just what I want to be associated with. Mucus.

teeth and other notable notes

I just have a few minutes, since I need to go to bed, but I thought I’d write a little. I just fed Liam again and Aidan’s asleep and Tony’s out playing poker.

Liam officially had his first tooth bust through his gums yesterday. Just the very tip, but you can definitely feel/see it. It’s the bottom center one on his right side, if I’m remembering correctly. He’s been a beast for the past two days with it, driving us crazy. No fever, just misery and yelling.

Aidan has begun developing even more of his teenage angst. He’s taken to getting upset at something we do and saying, "I don’t want any-ting." Or you ask him what he wants and he says, "Nut-ting."

I watched the first half of American Id(iot)ol last night, and I have to admit I’m glad I didn’t get into it. The first girl sucked big time. They said she was sick, but for goodness sakes, don’t try to sing "Alone" by Heart if you’re sick! Then they had some dude who looked like a frat boy in the face but had long, presumably smelly dreads. They were supposed to be singing songs that were released the years they were born (most in the mid-eighties, apparently), but I think he was hitting his gravity bong a little too hard and thought they said dress like you were in the eighties. He had on fitted and tapered pants and Keds. Nothing like the look of a star. And what is up with all of the weird names? What happened to good old "Kelly Clarkson" and "Carrie Underwood"? Even "Fantasia" is something I’ve heard of. Chikezie? Ramiele? Syesha? Maybe I just saw the weird named ones. I stopped watching with Brooke White, out of appreciation for her name and lack of weirdness. Although I did notice on the recaps that one is Irish and one is British (?), so I guess we’ve decided American is a loose adjective for this season.

One last note: recent readings. I have read a few books that did not live up to expectation lately. One was called Peony in Love. The name alone is retarded; I actually was embarrassed to be seen with it and kept it covered when I read in public. The story was hokey but I guess somewhat interesting. The writing wasn’t good at all. I’m pretty sure I’ve taught high school students who could write better than that. Anyway, it was compared to The Lovely Bones, which I’d never read but had heard good things about, so now I’m reading it. I’m only on Chapter Three, and already it’s crapping all over Peony in Love. Whoever made that comparison needs to retest their brains for working order.

The other books I've read recently that didn't meet my requirements were by David Sedaris. They were actually okay, but frankly, I don't see what the fuss is about. I read Dress Your Family in Corduroy and Denim and Me Talk Pretty One Day. The first one was the big famous one, and it wasn't as good as the second. But neither holds an effing candle to Augusten Burroughs books. I'd take Possible Side Effects and Magical Thinking any day over the Sedaris dude. I'm still going to read some more of his stuff, just to see, but not only is he not as funny or as good of a writer, but his stories are pointless and he's not someone I'd ever want to meet in real life. He seems like a whiny, self-absorbed jackass.

Well, I guess I’m off to bed. Bon soir.

if i were an action figure

My accessories would be:

• A giant travel mug of coffee (with matching coffee stains on pants)
• A computer keyboard
• A box of Sudafed
• A book of humorous essays, preferably by Augusten Burroughs or Chuck Klosterman
• A documentary about a serial killer (or plural killers)
• Plaid old man pjs
• A TV, permanently set on a channel that reruns everything, like TBS
• A remote control for said TV
• A sweater jacket with baby vomit on the left shoulder
• The biggest bottle of lotion they could fit in the box
• An econo-sized bottle of Prozac

you can't go home again

Yep, I finally understand the saying... Like, just the other day, I stupidly realized that this mansion-type house that was on the highway between my parents' street and the nearest intersection was gone, presumably torn down to make way for the 400,000 houses they are building there to support the population boom after Katrina... and that those shack type houses that used to be right before my parents' street, where a lunch lady from my elementary school lived (she used to burn the grass by her ditch so she didn't have to cut it), those shacks are gone as well, I guess. I can't picture them from when I pass by there now, but maybe I'm wrong. Regardless, it blew my mind when I realized that the picture in my mind, even of that little strip of land in smalltown USA, is not remotely similar to the present reality. Weird.

From High Tide in Tucson by Barbara Kingsolver:

"My Grandfather Henry I remember in his sleeveless undershirt, home after a day's hard work on the farm at Fox Creek. His hide is tough and burnished wherever it has met the world—hands, face, forearms—but vulnerably white at the shoulders and throat. He is snapping his false teeth in and out of place, to provoke his grandchildren to hysterics.

As far as I know, no such snapshots exist in the authentic world. The citizens of my hometown ripped down the old school and quickly put to rest its picturesque decay. My grandfather always cemented his teeth in his head, and put on good clothes, before submitting himself to photography. Who wouldn't? When a camera takes aim at my daughter, I reach out and scrape the peanut butter off her chin. 'I can't help it,' I tell her. 'It's one of those mother things.' ... when I was growing up [in my hometown], I yearned for the slick and the new...

Homely charm is a relative matter. Now that I live in a western city... I think back fondly on my hometown. But the people who live there now might rather smile about the quaintness of a smaller town... I can never go home again, as long as I live, I reasoned... I've photographed my hometown in its undershirt."

klosterman question, part une

First, note: when you DYE something, like your hair, the -ing form is DYEing. Not DYing. That is when you actually die. Just wanted to note that since someone just posted a video online that says "Chicago Dying of the River."

Anyway, on to Klosterman. My Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs book has one "interlude" that has hilarious and intriguing questions that are fun to read and answer. I am going to post some on here. Maybe not all of them now, but some, eventually.

Here’s part one:

You meet a wizard in downtown Chicago. The wizard tells you he can make you more attractive if you pay him money. When you ask how this process works, the wizard points to a random person on the street. You look at this random stranger. The wizard says, "I will now make them a dollar more attractive." He waves his magic wand. Ostensibly, this person does not change at all; as far as you can tell, nothing is different. But--somehow--this person is suddenly a little more appealing. The tangible difference is invisibly to the naked eye, but you can’t deny that this person is vaguely sexier. This wizard has a weird rule, though--you can only pay him once. You can’t keep giving him money until you’re satisifed. You can only pay him one lump sum up front. How much cash do you give the wizard?

good times in the ER

So I don’t know about you, but I’ve only been to the ER twice for myself in my entire life. Once, in high school, this muscle I had separated from my ribs in my rib cage, and I went thinking I’d broken a rib. And got some pretty groovy muscle relaxers... The other time was when we got in that massive head-on collision in Gonzales when I was seven months pregnant with Aidan, and I went for obvious checkup reasons. And I’ve taken Aidan twice: once for a monster sinus infection, and once for an explosive diarrhea episode.

Today, I made trip for Liam numero uno. He’s been hacking like a beast for a day or two. I talked to his pediatrician on Thursday--well, to the nurse, three times. Apparently, hacking one’s lungs up and wheezing and gasping for air are not enough for them to give me an appointment for a five month old. They said they couldn’t do anything for him unless he had a fever. We’ve been humidifying like crazy in his room, to no avail. I even took off of work (which I never do) on Friday.

So last night and this morning he was hacking like a beast who’d just smoked a bowl, so after we tried several things and nothing helped, I just took him to the ER.

One of the annoying things about going to the ER is that the other people there rarely have emergency-status issues, and you have to wait for them to go first, since it’s first come first served. The girl who went before me, with her mom, had a dry dish rag draped over her forearm. They spent the entire time in the waiting room giggling and eating, like they only went to the ER to get Hostess cupcakes and Cheetos out of the machine. When the nurse came out, she made a comment about "You guys just like to drive to the ER", so you know they go all the time and really didn’t need anything.

Anyway, they finally call us back. I have to wait forever. Liam’s finally sleeping and I’m dying of starvation. By the time we actually get to see a medical professional, I am thinking perhaps if I jet now I won’t have to pay the bill, since Liam seems to be comfortably snoozing. I press on anyway.

They do an oxygen check; all is well. They listen to his chest and take his temp, a little fever, but no big deal. They assume we’ll just get him a breathing treatment to break up phlegm, but decide to do an x-ray just in case. Has anyone ever seen a baby x-ray being done? It’s a crazy thing. They sat him in this hole on the top of this table, and then wrapped this plexiglas tube around him, so he’s basically standing up with his arms straight up over his head and held perfectly straight. He screamed the whole time. Check out this pic:

http://opraxmedical.com/Accessories/PatAsst/Restraints/PIGG-O-STAT_1.jpg

The diagnosis? Pneumonia. He’s got pneumonia. Thanks, pediatrician, for refusing to nip this in the bud. Jerk.

stop, collaborate, and listen

So we rearranged some things around the house, leading us to rediscover this storage thing I had with VHS tapes in it. Aidan had a lot of fun destroying the videotape that came with my George Foreman grill. I saw that I still had some musical videos I used to watch back in the day: No Doubt and Alanis Morissette.

The best find? I have Cool as Ice, which was the film debut and vehicle for Vanilla Ice, on video. Not the actual tape, but actually taped off of TV, which means I either specifically sat down and recorded it or specifically set my VCR to record it while I was not home. And if you haven't seen it, you should. AWESOME.

I think I will immediately go and try to download "Havin' a Roni" from his CD, the one where he talks like Popeye in the middle. Word to ya mutha.

a rose by any other name

I was thinking today, after overhearing a conversation among students, about the very few times I have been "hit on" in my life. Once was not long ago, by this dorky dude who was working at B&N; having not been flirted with a lot, I was only suspecting that was what was happening... He was overly chatty and complimented my hair color and how well it went with my glasses, which I thought was an odd thing for a guy to say. There are two other times I can think of... Once was this super drunk guy at The Station in Baton Rouge when the Jamie May Band was playing there. And drunkenness doesn't really count as flirting, right? The other time was this random dude in Natchez at the The Cellar when the first band I was in was playing there. I was nineteen or twenty, no boyfriend, and he was sober and a decent looking and nice dude. I even talked with him a little after the gig. So what turned me off of this dude? His name.

Glen.

Is it just me, or does anyone else have a serious mental block against people with certain names? I apologize if any of your best friends/family members have any of the names I'll discuss here... this is just personal preference. I have always been biased against certain names for some reason. One is David. It's a perfectly acceptable name... but I just don't like it. And there was this nice and cute dude in high school that I had a crush on, but I just could not get past the fact that his name was David. David and Glen. Two names that do not appeal to me at all. This is a major reason why naming children is so important. Aidan and Liam might not be the greatest names in the world, and Aidan is so popular that I feel bad for the little munch and his future classroom name-sharers, but they are no David or Glen. Can't say Tony is the name I'd choose for my own kid, but thank goodness Tony didn't go by Franklin (which is his first name) or Frank, because I don't think I'd have been able to get past it.

This goes for businesses as well. Like, I can't drive past this salon down the street without laughing on a daily basis. It's name? Hilariously, Mystical Utopia.

Postscript...
I just passed by the building that housed the Mystical Utopia hair salon. It's up for sale! And the name is gone! I guess they closed. Coincidence? I think not.

fun in the break room

I was heating my lunch in the microwave at school here, and while I waited, I noticed something odd. There are a few things you can set it to cook with just two button pushes, with automatic timings.


One of the categories is "SNACK." The three items listed as snacks?


Bacon slice (1)

Hot dog

Oatmeal


Because when I want a snack, there's nothing like one slice of bacon to satisfy me.

my OCD on TV

Don't you hate the way that sitcom writers or producers make changes in their shows and expect the viewing public not to notice? I was just watching a rerun of Seinfeld (the one where Jerry cheats on his barber), and Newman went into Jerry's bathroom to try to get a sample of hair for the barber to prove the cheating. The bathtub, in this scene, is immediately next to the sink, parallel with the wall that has the door in it.

HOWEVER, in the episode where Kramer tries to get Jerry to show him how he showers, since Kramer takes too much time in the shower and wants to trim down his routine, Jerry stands in the shower fully clothed, and the shower is on the adjacent wall, perpendicular to the wall that has the door in it.

Just like on the pilot episodes of shows... which wouldn't be a big deal, except that they rerun them and it's all weird.

On the first episode of the Cosby Show, there are only four kids -- Denise is the oldest (then Theo, Vanessa, and Rudy). In fact, at one point, Claire even says, "Why do we have four children?" And I think Cliff answers, "Because we didn't want five." As you well know, the actual show had five kids in it... they brought Sondra in later, saying that she'd been away at Princeton.

Similarly, in the first episode of the King of Queens, Carrie has a sister, who is played by the girl who played Vanessa's friend on the Cosby show, a token white friend who began a drinking game when Vanessa and her friends got drunk and who went with Vanessa and friends to see the Wretched in Baltimore on one of the funniest episodes ever. Anyway, the sister is in a couple of episodes and essentially disappears for all other episodes, never to be mentioned again... not to mention that Carrie is nice and friendly in the pilot, completely opposite of her entire schtick later in the show.

Anyway, just one of many inconsistencies that annoy those with OCD like me... They could at least acknowledge said differences!

the young ghost in my house

While I recover from a coronary, let me just say that I have a complaint about toymakers that does not include lead paint.

We used to have this "bike" (ride on little toy thing) that was made by the Sesame Street people. It was what Aidan had before his tricycle. Of course, like all children's toys, it made LOTS of noise. One of these fabulous noises was when you'd push a button shaped like Cookie Monster's head and it would say "ME SO HAPPY ME BLUE" in the loud guttural Cookie Monster voice.

After we had it for a while, I guess it started to short out or something. Whatever... But I would be, say, going to the bathroom in the pitch dark at two am and I would all of a sudden hear ME SO HAPPY ME BLUE. Thankfully, I was already going to the bathroom, so I didn't have to change my pants.

Then we got him a training potty chair. It's made so that when the kid potties, it's supposed to sense the weight of the pee or whatever and play a fairly loud little tune. He went to the potty, and it didn't make the noise, so I thought, Oh well, I got a defective one. Until, again, I was home with only the two kids on Tony's poker night, and they were both asleep, and I was relaxing in the bathtub and all of a sudden I hear a roaring musical fiesta going on at about 10000 decibels. Again, heart attack.

So just now I am sitting here checking my email, and suddenly, this little sit and spin Aidan has starts randomly playing this loud kiddie music. I don't think that's ever happened when we didn't push the button, and we've had that thing for over a year. SO either toy manufacturers need to fix their shorting out toys, or I've got the spirit of an obnoxious toddler in my house... which is just what I need, to add to the toddler I already have here spreading his obnoxiousness.

toy shopping nightmare

So I've got a few family and friend kid birthdays coming up, so I'm on Amazon looking at toys. Here are a few weird things I saw:

Thinking no one would appreciate these under the Christmas tree:http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_ss_t/103-5641527-4073442?url=search-alias%3Dtoys-and-games&field-keywords=living+dead+dolls

and related, for my English buddies... Nothing like a necrophiliac doll and his "partner" to spice up a birthday party: http://www.amazon.com/Living-Dolls-Edgar-Allan-Annabel/dp/B000IM37DC/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&s=toys-and-games&qid=1204315488&sr=1-3

Here's another interesting item, for the future serial killer in your family:http://www.amazon.com/American-Science-Surplus-DOLL-PARTS/dp/B000YQ3LG0/ref=sr_1_44?ie=UTF8&s=toys-and-games&qid=1204314808&sr=1-44

And lastly, just an observation: I saw multiple instances of dolls that were cheaper in the black version than they were in the white version. Like, sometimes half the price. How disturbing is that. And why should I have to pay more for a doll of my race just because I'm white as a ghost?

thanks for the additional OCD stress, grocery superchain

So apparently King Sooper's (which is a Kroger grocery chain, for those who don't know) is trying to drive me insane. They've just decided, I guess at the corporate level, to rearrange the entire store. I think I overheard an employee say that they're getting newer shelves and displays, etc.

As you'll come to find out, I am a big fan of routine. I like for things to always be in the same place, even if that place is not logical. For example, I like for my digital camera to always be on the bookshelf in the living room. I like for my debit card to be under a placemat on an end table in the house. So this is especially important for my grocery store, since I go there like three to twenty times a week.

They've gone and screwed everything up. It has taken me three trips to find the snack packs of fruit for my two-year-old, Aidan... I finally just decided today I was going to go up and and down every aisle until I found it. And I finally just had to ask where the cans of chopped green chilies were. The answer? Over in the new "Mexican" foods aisles, where the video rental area used to be. I seriously considered changing grocery stores, because I get irrationally irritated every time I go in there and the canned beans aren't where I usually get them. Then I think, Safeway has no self-checkout... Walmart is full of idiots and also has no self-checkout, and I realize I'm stuck with King Sooper's. But I don't have to like it.

New blog

I'll just be diving in... Welcome!