inner child

I've been thinking how funny it is the way that a little part of us never gets past some of those people/events in our history, at least not totally. It's especially been noticeable now that I'm in touch with so many people from high school on Facebook. Like, we graduated over fifteen years ago. In those fifteen years, I've been married, divorced, married again. I've gotten two degrees, had multiple jobs, had two miscarriages and two children. I've lived in various cities in Louisiana and have moved to Colorado. I've presented at an (sort of) academic conference, had an article published in a literary journal. I've bought two houses and have learned not to give a crap about what anyone thinks and to just have fun with life.

But inside, when I talk to certain people, there's still that little twinge of my teenage self. Not anything major, just a little shading. Like, emailing with someone who was once a best friend and then we grew apart, I sort of see that little preteen, wishing she had been able to keep up and stay friends and join the girl's new group. Getting friend requests from people from high school that I wouldn't have known they even know who I am, there's a seventh-grader in me that is thinking, "How do they know me?!" Having a message exchange with a guy I used to like umpteen years ago brings out the teenager in flux who's thinking, "Will I always be one of the guys?"

In real life, I don't have a problem with self-esteem anymore. In fact, I'm guessing a lot of people think that I'm conceited, and I can't disagree about that entirely. I know I'm not a supermodel, but I'm not a troll either. I am pretty secure about my job and my life and that I'm pretty smart and decent at what I do. I don't mind dancing on an empty dance floor or talking in front of a group, and I can easily laugh it off when I fall down in public (which is good, since it happens a lot). But deep down, I guess that insecure, depressed, "I'm not good enough" 17-year-old dressed in all black is still there.