my miss america commentary

In case anyone on the planet still watches Miss America besides me… And since I detest watching it alone... Here's my commentary.

Introduction to fifty two candidates:

• West Virginia – is that an afro?
  
• Just LeDoux it, Wyoming? Really?
  
• Miss Kansas – are you sure you're not from Jersey?
  
• Hi, I'm Miss Maine, and I'll be your child's preschool teacher this year.
  
• Okay, Miss Texas, really? No one's fooled by your speaking Spanish, blondie. And did Texas REALLY appreciate a big hair joke?
  
• Miss Mississippi – is that all? The counting method? That's Mississippi's big draw? Nothing like pumping up the potential tourism.
  
• Is Missouri really the mushroom capital of the world? And NOT the wig capital?
  
• Miss Montana has what I can only call nasal ramps.
  
• Miss Florida – I love your hair. That means you'll never make the top fifteen.
  
• Miss Ohio is HIDEOUS. Tony's comment: "She looks like the big Judd." Uh, yeah, he means Wynonna.
  
• Arkansas – pretty. Kentucky – thumbs up. Alaska – what's up with the ponytail? Is this sixth grade in 1987?
  
• New Hampshire – even Tony says she has bad hair.
  
• Colorado – I've taught INNUMERABLE students who are prettier than that here.
  
• Miss Louisiana – WTF with the nose?!?! What's up with ALL the giant noses here? Is the Miss American system a new compensation for big nose syndrome?
  

Announcement of finalists and judges:

• Okay, have we really reached the point where Jessica Simpson's hairstylist dude is a judge on Miss America? Was a real celebrity, or at least Paul Mitchell, not available?
  
• Yeah! Miss Arkansas! Top fifteen! Awesome hair!
  
• Note to Miss Hawaii – A study abroad in New Zealand doesn't license you to say "I used to live there."
  
• Yeah, I'm sure you're in it ONLY for the scholarship money, D.C. And I only teach for the joy of educational experience.
  
• I hate Miss New York immediately. Why hold your mouth like that? And no, we're not impressed that you claim you can beat box.
  
• Miss Florida made the top fifteen! Go cool hairdo! However, you are tarnished by your claim to have "eternal joy" in the voiceover.
  
• Miss Tennessee, your hair is too long.
  
• Okay, while the commercial is on, do we really have to have Mario Lopez? If we're going to have Clinton, why not Stacy as well? I detest Mario Lopez.
  

Swimsuit competition:

• Yay for the two British girls that teach people how to dress coming on next! The tall beautiful one showed her post-baby mushy stomach on TV once, forever making me feel better about myself and letting me know I can look good despite it.
  
• WTF is up with former Miss America's wadded up toilet paper covered dress?
  
• Yeah, yeah, Mario, we know that the swimsuit competition is for "fitness and self confidence". Hence the fake tans and spray adhesive.
  
• Swimsuit designers: Can we avoid the eighties color schemes EVER for the pageant? Do we have to use black and bright colors/neons? Kudos to the girls who chose the plain black.
  
• Miss Alabama – big ass. At least for pageant standards. Wait, no, Miss Delaware's ass is twice that size. Reminds me of what I think my sister's ex-husband's new wife's ass might look in a swimsuit.
  
• You have a long torso, whoever you are. You look like an alien. It's worse than that weirdo before you, who twirled full force right out of the gate in her bikini.
  
• Miss Tennessee – You could at least pretend not to have a boob job. It's Miss America, for chrissakes.
  
• Kudos to all for no one having chosen the stupid one piece option I am sure was given.
  

Announcement of next cut and evening gown competition:

• I hate you, former Miss America who refused to wear the crown during the tours, and acts as though the crown means bimbo. Then why the L did you try for Miss America? I'd want the crown tattooed on my body.
  
• Final twelve: Michigan (okay), Tennessee (puke), Hawaii (typical), California (very pageanty – no surprise if she takes the entire thing), Georgia (very attractive), Florida (cool hair girl!), Kentucky (still pretty), DC (still irritated by her stupidity earlier), Indiana (okay), COME ON ARKANSAS!... Iowa (no thanks, she earlier said "boys think my tractor's sexy), Arkansas (YES!), New York (cool leap when they called her, cute girl).
  
• Whoa, Miss America 1988 is very large. And 1981? You're too old for that dress.
  
• Evening gowns begin: Michigan just used the word poopy. And no, fuschia was not in style in 2003, the year of your prom. And your dress looks like it was ripped in half and your bra is hanging out. Sparkles don't make a difference.
  
• Tennessee, your favorite color being blue is not a reason to choose blue for Miss America's gown.
  
• Hawaii, nice choice with the yellow. Very pageanty dress. Appeals to my pageant traditionality.
  
• California, too bad your black gown blended into the background so I couldn't even see it.
  
• Oh, lawd, Georgia... the red makes your ass look huge.
  
• Odd choice, Florida. And not in a good way. Still cool hair, though.
  
• Kentucky. Black, but a pretty dress. Not Miss America, though. Maybe black tie for work.
  
• DC, I thought your head was twice its size with the reflection of the backdrop. And please don't compare Miss America to Marilyn Monroe. It's SO more Jackie Kennedy.
  
• Indiana's fivehead would look better with bangs. And with a dress that doesn't look like a biker bride.
  
• Iowa, you are a major nerd.
  
• Arkansas, poor gown choice. Too bad.
  

Talent competition part une:

• Yes, I'm sure the effing talent portion is your favorite, Mario.
  
• I detest the new practice of making them suit up even if they're not going to make it. Poor featherhead, if she doesn't get to perform (as a showgirl?)
  
• Why not just regular ballet? Why do we have to mess with the classics? Why "contemporary" ballet? It doesn't make it more impressive, DC. I could do a split better than that.
  
• Georgia – obvious singer in that dress. Ugh. Music from The Wiz has been done to death. Come on, sound guys, the mix is terrible. Where are her vocals in this mix? Not a good enough job. I can sing as good or better, which means you don't deserve to win.
  
• Another singer with New York. Better dress, though. Talky-singing musical voice. WEIRD song choice. Frankly, this performance SCREAMS "I have no real talent and no training in dance or musical instruments, so I had to come up with something." Okay until the end. Terrible.
  
• Hawaii. Clearly traditional Hawaiian dance, in those feathers. Oh, I was wrong. Tahitian. Why not Hawaiian?!?!? Cool. And the belly dancing Shakira moves are awesome with all those feathers! But again, this screams, "I have no other talent, and had to throw something together with an impressive outfit to hide my lack of real talent."
  
• Indiana. Another singer by that dress. And WHAT IS UP with the Sandi Patty song?!?! Via Dolorosa? Not really a good choice considering you have a time limit of like thirty seconds. Decent voice, though. Kind of operatic, like Sandi Patty. But odd choice of a religious song… Not sure if that's a crown winner.
  

Talent competition part deux:

• Oh, no, Florida, a monologue? No, thank goodness. A dancer. How cute is the dress and the choice of songs. Dance abilities aren't that great, but better than a half-assed song.
  
• Tennessee. Singer by the dress. Nice on the foreign language song. Someone who is an actual real singer. Opera. Too bad you're still ugly.
  
• Thank goodness for a real dancer. Ballet. Not contemporary.
  
• Cool! A tap dancer! Go, Iowa, go!
  
• Michigan. Cute jazz dance. Know what would be cuter? Flaming batons.
  
• I just noticed the incredibly stupid little trivial tidbits on the screen. How retarded.
  

Questions:

• Not a lot to say. The questions effing sucked.
  
• Okay, I ignored most of this, because two people started chatting with me on Facebook. Hi, Vanessa and Dawn!
  
• And NOW I've officially abandoned the pageant until they announce the winner.
  

Announcements:

• Florida! Cool hair won fourth runner up!
  
• New York! More cool hair!
  
• Nerdy old Iowa got second runner up!
  
• Georgia first runner up. Good choice.
  
• Okay, Miss Indiana?!?!?! No thanks. Biker bride won it all. I'm disenchanted as usual. Later, Mario. Idiot.